it's becoming to be unbearably cold. i realize now that this year is coming to an end. when 2023 had began, i considered it unreal. it seems so much like the date of year of a science fiction. and yet now it's approaching 2025.
today and tomorrow and until the thursday of the next week, i'll be taking leave of school due to personal reasons. the whole of the morning i had been sitting at the park simply walking about and reading.
the previous month i had done this as well-- the being absent part. i hadn't settled back into my routine of reading and park-going then. i suppose there is a disconnect and it isn't intentional. i am asked if i am happy. i am! and i am then told, "it's not all about academic success, you know." i do know. it's simply... i don't have the words. i bring in my own textbooks, do my own studies, and when i am to leave, i don't linger for even a moment.
my class held a musical performance. i had been absent during the whole of the time everyone had been practicing for it, but i was present as audience. when my mom and i had exited, she said, "this song will mean something for the students here that had really made a home here. at their graduation, they may begin to cry overwhelmed with emotions."
on the walls are decorations and posters and students excitedly claiming that they are overjoyed each day to be at school, well, it is a good school of wonderfully kind people. i simply couldn't settle here and for that, i do feel some guilt, as if i am doing this "being a teenager" thing wrong; then i realize i am now brooding which definitely is up there on the list of 'very typically teenage things to do' which is it's own form of consolation.
i haven't updated in a good while. there's been a headache coming and go the past few days and the last night i fell asleep and woke up to having let five nhk documentaries about architecture of kyoto.